NEWS: Kitty Says Secret Greggs Syndrome

Sometimes problems get ignored and when problems get ignored, problems get worse. A very worrying, infectious and serious problem that came to my attention last year seems to be coming up more and more. It is a disease. It infects your brain and your stomach, it is based on lies and it is called ‘Secret Greggs.’ Secret Greggs is where you run an errand where you have to leave your house/work, then on the way back you secretly consume a Greggs pasty removing all evidence before you get back.

Instructions to achieve the perfect Secret Greggs;

1. You must be on your way back to your workplace/house/library/etc. It is not a Secret Greggs if you are walking home on your own to an empty house.

2. You must think about distance. Will you be able to eat the whole purchase before you get to your destination?

3. Pick your pasty. The food you pick must be a pasty. If it’s not a pasty, it’s not Greggs. You can get a sandwich from anywhere.

4. Check the temperature. Ask the cashier about the pasty. When did it come out of the oven? If it is too hot there is no way you will be able to finish it all.

5. Open and eat. Start eating and start walking.

6. Dispose of the paper bag. When there is less than half of the pasty left, take it out of the bag and keep your eye out for a bin. You should really have chosen a route with a bin beforehand. If there is no bin then this could compromise your Secret Greggs.

7. Check for flakes. Flakes are inevitable so you must wipe your mouth, chin and chest. Also check your hands and sleeves for flakes, just incase.

8. Secret Greggs Completion. You have just consumed a pasty and nobody else knows. It feels good doesn’t it? Pat yourself on the back and smile in warm secrecy.

As you can see from the map above, I had it all figured out. I am now helping others because the guilt I brought on myself was far too much. Some days I would buy a healthy lunch, have a Secret Greggs, return to my work desk and eat the salad. To everyone else it looked as though I was a good girl. I knew that my belly was full of a cheese and onion carb baby. I believe in all Secret Greggs sufferers. It gets better I promise.


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